This Friday marks the long-awaited return to the Vault of Forgotten Children’s TV Shows, a feature that kicks too much ass not to be resurrected. Previous vault entries have included my treatise on Pinwheel and diatribe focused on Today’s Special, both genius (and now kinda scary) Nickelodeon kids’ shows from the halcyon days of my youth.
When we got cable in our house in Iowa, I was a devotee of Nickelodeon. I watched Lassie with my dog Tippy sprawled out next to me, hoping that if I ever fell into a well that Tippy would go alert my parents, the media and a fire rescue team. (Tippy was apparently paying attention, because a few years later she thought that I was drowning in my aunt & uncle’s pool and jumped into the deep end to save me, despite the fact that she was 13 years old and arthritic. I loved that dog so much.) I watched strange anime takes on Grimm’s Fairy Tales, shows with gnomes, shows that inspired the names of genius bands, and of course, who could forget the shows with lots of green slime and Canadian humor? That one I had to watch on the sly, because my mom hated it whenever anyone got slime poured on their hair.
Then we moved to Texas, and the cable was EVEN BETTER than it had been before. Suddenly we had the Disney Channel, and I was absolutely paralyzed with joy at the thought of being able to watch Welcome to Pooh Corner and Dumbo’s Circus every morning while I got ready for school. It was my favorite channel. The Disney Channel had other great shows like Mousercize, The Gummi Bears, Mousterpiece Theater, My Little Pony Tails, and of course, The Mickey Mouse Club. But my favorite Disney Channel show of all during my elementary school years was the underrated classic, KIDS Incorporated.
KIDS Inc., as it was also known, was focused on a local hangout called “The P*lace” where this well-meaning soda jerk/inventor/sneaker millionaire named Riley actually let kids get onstage and sing songs that were wholly inappropriate for their age.
Does this sound like a familiar formula to you? It might if you’ve seen the horrific commercials for KidzBop, a series of CDs where kids sing off-key renditions of current hits and make me want to end my life with the nearest blunt object. Do yourself a favor and watch the video for Kelly Clarkson’s hit “Since U Been Gone” because it is truly the most hysterical and frightening thing you’ll ever witness. Be sure to note the Nazi Youth choreography and the small Asian boy nearly wetting his pants. Then imagine it set in the 80’s/early 90’s, add unfortunate matching outfits (think pink & purple “punk” clothes, rainbow colored satin tuxedos, sparkly headbands, feathers, the works), really bad choreography, throw in some of today’s hardworking Hollywood stars, and you have KIDS Incorporated in a nutshell. Watch an episode here and see what I mean!
KIDS Incorporated launched a surprising number of careers. Let’s take a look at the KIDS Inc. celebrity yearbook!
Mario Lopez: Everyone knows Mario a little better as A.C. Slater, the dumb but sweet jock on another classic show, Saved By the Bell. But he really got his start on KIDS Incorporated as the “drummer” for the KIDS Inc. house band. So I guess his stint as Zack Attack’s drummer shouldn’t really come as a surprise…it was only a matter of time before his sordid past found its way back to him. “My dad’s in the military.” Suuuuure, Slater. We all know where you were before Bayside. But Mario, what have you done for me lately?
Martika: Step by step, heart to heart, left right left, we all fall down…like toy soldiers. Man, did I ever hate this song when I heard it on the radio. The scary little kid vocals, the stupid lyrics…and I was surprised to hear that it was from an old KIDS Inc. favorite, Martika. She was one of the lead kids in the show at the beginning, but then she starred in other great celebrity vehicles like Mr. T’s “Be Somebody or Be Somebody’s Fool” and she got too big for her ugly costume britches. Apparently now she is in a band called Oppera with her husband Mark Mozart. She used to date Prince, and both she and her husband kind of look like him. Creepy!
Fergie, AKA Stacy Ferguson: Hey Mama, I don’t think cute little 6-year-old KIDS Inc. Stacy ever got trashed on a spiked milkshake and hit the P*lace stage wasted, but that’s the only age range it’s ever even approaching appropriate to get away with pissing your pants onstage. If we’d only known then that the cute little wholesome blond girl was going to be shakin’ it (and wettin’ it) on stage with abs that have more definition than Webster’s, we might have been able to stop it before it got retarted.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: I utterly loathed her on KIDS Inc. because she made this ugly fishlips face when she sang. When she showed up on “It Sucks to Be A Sallinger” (AKA Party of Five) I think I almost sprained something laughing. John Mayer thinks her body is a wonderland, and this fall she’s going to see dead people. Sure, whatever. I wish her music career would go out with whimper and not with a bang, but I far prefer her to the other J. Lo.
Renee Sandstrom: Nobody really remembers her, or really cares. But she was in Fergie’s obnoxious stairstep to the Black-Eyed Peas, the terrible band Wild Orchid. Tip: If there’s a soft core Skinemax porno by the same name, maybe you shouldn’t use that as the moniker for your girl group. Just sayin’.
Eric Balfour: Not just Claire’s Meth Date anymore, or that guy on 24! Eric Balfour was the Zack Morris-looking kid that sang like he’d just gotten kicked in the balls. He and “Love” Hewitt were on the same seasons, and their combined obnoxiousness used to make me change the channel to Saved by the Bell. Of course, I’d always turn back to Disney when it was time for Jason Priestly to be on “Teen Angel.” I loved me some Priestly back then. edited to add: I can’t believe I forgot that he also played Jesse on the 2-part pilot episode of Buffy!! Grrr argh, Joss likes those kids stars!
I’m telling you, if The Simple Life and 227 can be on DVD, then KIDS Incorporated should not be far behind! As hard as it is to admit now, I loved this show when I was a kid and I DESPERATELY wanted to be on it. Maybe then I could have gone on to be Bailey’s whiny girlfriend or the third member of Wild Orchid. Ahhh, to dream.
Next Friday in the Vault of Forgotten Children’s TV Shows: Jem and the Holograms!
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