paper graffiti

Dear Hollywood,

Please have an original thought of your own and QUIT REMAKING MOVIES.

Love,
People with Taste

So Shawn won a free pass on Saturday at this Zeus Comic event we attended for a screening of Poseidon at the new AMC theater in Northpark Mall. The theater is VERY nice. I wish I could say the same for the movie.

There is one good part in Poseidon, a part that stands out as a top notch movie moment–Fergie dies. Yes, Fergie, she of Kids Incorporated, Wild Orchid, and Black Eyed Peas fame, bites the big one. Her cruise ship lounge act career is cut tragically short as she witnesses the oncoming rush of seawater in the arms of her beloved ship captain, finally bowing her head and letting the water overtake her. Who knows–she might have lost control there at the very end, but if Fergie pissed herself in a room already full of water, would it make a sound? What’s more, would anyone care?

The bad part of Poseidon is that the good part ends right there. The rest of the movie (and most of the movie before said excellent moment) is a load of sentimental tacky CRAP with a plot so trite and full of holes it’s a wonder they couldn’t have escaped out of the boat through one of them. The cast included:

Unfortunately, not everyone died. We were forced to listen to and watch these assholes as they did everything they possibly could to get one another killed, and rarely succeed. Poseidon also heavily pulled from other classic disaster movies like Armageddon, though thankfully we were spared from Wannabe Chad Michael Murray walking animal crackers down Annoying Chick’s stomach. They all blew up and/or melted during the capizing of the ship. Thank you, animal crackers. Your sacrifice saved me from hurling. Also thankfully, there were no Aerosmith songs like “I Don’t Want to Miss A Thing (Oh Noes Gurgle Blub Blub Overdub)” on the soundtrack. Even though we were forced to listen to Fergie sing, at least I got the pleasure of watching her character drown.

Since Kurt Russell died a hero’s punk death saving all those annoying idiots, I was really afraid that the movie would end with PMMM (Josh Lucas) walking Annoying Chick down the aisle to marry Wannabe Chad Michael Murray, because “that’s what her father would have wanted.” No, I think her father would have wanted not to drown in a horrible remake of a movie that wasn’t really all that good to begin with. But he’s not going to get that wish, just like I’m never getting those two hours of my life back.

At least now I have a new baseline of suck. I’ve been worried about hating X3, but right off the bat it has something going for it–at least it’s not Poseidon.

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Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

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Dear Nicole,

Let me open this letter by telling you how much I loved you in Moulin Rouge.  It wasn’t the first time I had enjoyed one of our cinematic performances, but it’s by far my favorite.  You’re beautiful, your voice is great, I loved it.  Great job!  Also, I want to tell you how happy I am that you’re rid of Crazy Cruise and are moving on with your life.  Congratulations on not being impregnated with his evil alien sperm.

But really.  Nicole.  Who do you think you are kidding with this?

(picture from gofugyourself.com)

Nik, darling, he looks like a woman.  In fact, I’ve seen so few pictures of you two crazy kids together that I’d be more inclined to think this was YOU posing as a Grammy award winning Australian country singer.  You have matching sternums!  And noses!  Though he lacks your perpetual look of surprise, he could be your sister.

Speaking of the Botox, please think about laying off of it soon.  When you smile on the red carpet I get afraid that your entire face is going to snap like a rubberband.  Of course, that’s when you can school it into an expression other than perpetual surprise, which doesn’t seem often these days.  But maybe the surprised look is NOT the Botox…if I woke up to the aforementioned Mr. Urban every morning, I’d be surprised I wasn’t running the hell away too.

Love and kisses,
Jess

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I need this shirt. This shirt is my destiny.
Click the pic for the best t-shirt site evar.

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I have been leaving the Tom Cruise picture up just for The Keymaster and The Monkey Attack Victim, but I guess I have to blog eventually. But never fear…it probably goes without saying that Tom McCrazyPants will show back up on this blog to be made fun of eventually.

So lately I’ve been getting a rash of spam comments on my blog. I’m about to take the law into my own hot little hands and install a spam filter on my blog software. Ahh, the beauty of running the blog on your own server–you can add all this nifty cool stuff to it. I love it! But if anyone’s interested in questionably legal online gambling, porn and Cialis softtabs (I know MOL Junior is all about the porn and performance enhancement), then please feel free to surf some of my older posts before I clean house and take the spam comments out.

I haven’t really been feeling that creative or finding myself with a whole lot to blog about. So, dear Paper Graffiti readers, what kind of content do you want to be reading? My dashing and witty boyfriend has lots of “features” on his blog, which I’ve done in the past but have come up blank lately when trying to think of new ones. Anyone have any suggestions? This blog is here to entertain you, after all.

If you don’t suggest anything, I’m just going to resort to posting Tom Cruise pictures like this all day long. Please, think of the children.

Word Counts - Today: 0 | June: 0 | 2005: 0