paper graffiti

Dear Hollywood,

Please have an original thought of your own and QUIT REMAKING MOVIES.

Love,
People with Taste

So Shawn won a free pass on Saturday at this Zeus Comic event we attended for a screening of Poseidon at the new AMC theater in Northpark Mall. The theater is VERY nice. I wish I could say the same for the movie.

There is one good part in Poseidon, a part that stands out as a top notch movie moment–Fergie dies. Yes, Fergie, she of Kids Incorporated, Wild Orchid, and Black Eyed Peas fame, bites the big one. Her cruise ship lounge act career is cut tragically short as she witnesses the oncoming rush of seawater in the arms of her beloved ship captain, finally bowing her head and letting the water overtake her. Who knows–she might have lost control there at the very end, but if Fergie pissed herself in a room already full of water, would it make a sound? What’s more, would anyone care?

The bad part of Poseidon is that the good part ends right there. The rest of the movie (and most of the movie before said excellent moment) is a load of sentimental tacky CRAP with a plot so trite and full of holes it’s a wonder they couldn’t have escaped out of the boat through one of them. The cast included:

Unfortunately, not everyone died. We were forced to listen to and watch these assholes as they did everything they possibly could to get one another killed, and rarely succeed. Poseidon also heavily pulled from other classic disaster movies like Armageddon, though thankfully we were spared from Wannabe Chad Michael Murray walking animal crackers down Annoying Chick’s stomach. They all blew up and/or melted during the capizing of the ship. Thank you, animal crackers. Your sacrifice saved me from hurling. Also thankfully, there were no Aerosmith songs like “I Don’t Want to Miss A Thing (Oh Noes Gurgle Blub Blub Overdub)” on the soundtrack. Even though we were forced to listen to Fergie sing, at least I got the pleasure of watching her character drown.

Since Kurt Russell died a hero’s punk death saving all those annoying idiots, I was really afraid that the movie would end with PMMM (Josh Lucas) walking Annoying Chick down the aisle to marry Wannabe Chad Michael Murray, because “that’s what her father would have wanted.” No, I think her father would have wanted not to drown in a horrible remake of a movie that wasn’t really all that good to begin with. But he’s not going to get that wish, just like I’m never getting those two hours of my life back.

At least now I have a new baseline of suck. I’ve been worried about hating X3, but right off the bat it has something going for it–at least it’s not Poseidon.

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…trying to re-enable WEP security on your wireless modem is probably not the best idea at 2:45 in the morning, because you will FUCK IT UP. Good job.

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I jumped on the quiz creation bandwagon…it’s probably pretty easy. Sorry about that. Click here to take the quiz!

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Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

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I was 15. I was branching out of my female artist obsession. I was a sucker for earnest lyrics and a catchy beat. Matthew Sweet was there with his cute floppy hair, big honest-looking eyes, and 1995 album, 100% Fun. It was love at first listen.

After I consumed that CD, I went back and grabbed Girlfriend, which cemented our relationship into something deeper than just a passing fling, more meaningful than just some one-hit wonder. I daydreamed about having a singer-songwriter boyfriend who wrote songs like Matthew–wrote them for me, about me, playing them for me, maybe even letting me sing backup on a couple of tracks. I remember feeling a sense of belonging when I heard this conversation in High Fidelity:

Barry: I wanna date a musician.
Rob: I wanna live with a musician. She’d write songs at home and ask me what I thought of them, and maybe even include one of our little private jokes in the liner notes.
Barry: Maybe a little picture of me in the liner notes.
Dick: Just in the background somewhere.

That boy never materialized, and Matthew was my one and only until I developed my crush on Thurston Moore the next year, and then Rhett Miller a couple of years later. Matthew and I drifted apart, didn’t really hang out much after that, but we kept in touch every once in a while. Today we seem to have reconciled. I saw that he came out with a new album of covers with the lead singer from the Bangles, so I was intrigued. His version of “Monday, Monday” made my heart do a strange little loop, and suddenly it was love all over again. I’m listening to Girlfriend and 100% Fun on Rhapsody while I work, and I’m as happy as a 15-year-old girl sitting next to her big crush on a field trip. Oh Matthew, it’s like no time has even passed. You’ll always be my first rock and roll boyfriend.

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